If Aaron Sorkin Wrote a Hockey Show

I have been watching Sports Night, the Aaron Sorkin TV show, lately. Sorkin is better known for his writing on West Wing, which has a similar pace.  If you watch Sports Night with several episodes back to back, you see a lot of hockey references in it. There is usually something hockey brought up in a show, and if not, it is usually playing on a TV in the background at some point. If you missed it when it first aired, you can get both seasons in one set on DVD. You should.

With that in mind, I give you the opening to Hockey Night, as would be written by Aaron Sorkin. (the inspiration for this is credited at the bottom. suffer through this to get there)
TWO HOCKEY PLAYERS ARE IN PRE-GAME WARMUPS, STRETCHING AND SKATING. DIALOG IS DELIVERED QUICK AND TIGHT, EXCEPT WHERE NOTED.

DAN
Man, My allergies.

TED
Yeah?

DAN
And these fans.

TED
Fans?

DAN
Well look at them.

TED
What’s to look at?

DAN
Exactly.

TED
(looks around) Why do we come here?

DAN
Why?

TED
Yeah, why.

DAN
Why do we come to Montreal, or why do we come to these warm ups?

TED
Pick one.

DAN
Well, we come to these warm ups because it’s our job.

TED
And to Montreal?

DAN
The cheese fries.

TED
(rolls eyes) Dan, you can’t call them cheese fries

DAN
Why not? They’re fries with cheese.

TED
Granted, they are fries with cheese, but calling them that could cause an international incident to rival the “War of 1812″

DAN
Did you just use quote fingers around the War of 1812?

TED
(slightly defensive) Yeah.

DAN
The War of 1812 was a real thing, you know.

TED
Yeah, I heard. It happened somewhere in the eighteen hundreds, I forget when. Oh, wait, it’s coming back to me.

DAN
So you agree that the War of 1812 is a real thing.

TED
Who doesn’t?

DAN
Look, all I’m saying is they are fries, and they have cheese in them.

TED
On them.

DAN
What?

TED
They have cheese on them.

DAN
What did I say?

TED
They have cheese in them.

DAN

Oh. (beat) But they are fries with cheese.

TED
OK. Granted, but they are more than that.

DAN
Like what?

TED
They are fries with cheese…and gravy.

DAN
And that is why we come here.

TED
Not me.

DAN
No?

TED
Nope. I come here for the hockey.

DAN
The hockey?

TED
Well we are hockey players.

DAN
See, you could put “quotes” around that.

TED
(ignoring him) Yep, the pure excitement of the game. The thrill of victory and the agony of the shootout. The sound of the skates, and the smell of the ice.

DAN
The smell of the ice?

TED
The smell of the ice.

DAN
Are you telling me that the ice here smells different than anywhere else?

TED
I am. You should smell it.

DAN
I am not smelling it.

TED
You are going to smell it.

DAN
I am not going to smell it.

TED
You are.

DAN
What makes you so sure that I am going to smell it?

TED
If you don’t do it now, you will when you’re sprawled out, face down, under a pile of Canadiens, after you “accidentally” trip the goaltender, which, I will remind you, somehow ended up with you getting a double minor, and costing us the game.

DAN
(pointing) Hey… That was a clean play. (pause. smells ice) I don’t smell anything.

TED
That, my friend, is the smell of hockey.

DAN
Everywhere smells like hockey.

TED
Yes, but here it smells French.

DAN
And maybe Canadian? You know they are combining those these days.

TED
(looking over at the other team)Hey, isn’t that Josh McCormick.

DAN
(beat) Yep.

TED
Didn’t you two…?

DAN
Yep.

TED
And weren’t you two…?

DAN
Uh-huh.

TED
So… what?

DAN
We got into a fight.

TED
What a real fight?

DAN
Yes, a real fight.We dropped the gloves, got bloody, all of it. We got into a fight.

TED
A fight.

DAN
A fight.

TED
(beat) Was it over her?

DAN
You know what? I don’t even remember.

TED
(skeptical, letting it go, but not really) OK.

DAN
Look, I’m not worried about Josh. Not right now.

TED
What are you worried about?

DAN
(looks out into the crowd) These fans.

TED
And your allergies?

DAN
They do go hand in hand.

(they skate off) FADE TO BLACK

With a shout out for inspiration from Ken Levine (his is better, read it)


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Comments

  1. megmegmeg says:

    Brilliant! I can smell the ice.

  2. 1. the ice DOES smell different here.

    2. cheese fries are gross. poutine is kinda gross as well, if you think about it too much, but also super-tastylicious.

    3. you know that’s exactly how they all talk the second everyone else is out of earshot, only in 26 different languages.

  3. I think i just laughed so hard i puked…

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