If I Were A Hockey Player…

I was wondering who would finally tag me with this meme, started by Jes. It turned out not to be the beer and rum swilling offseason compatriots of mine, but rather, a couple bloggers up in Eastern Conference of Canada. Thanks Sherry and E. Cards and flowers will soon be coming.

Hockey Team: Colorado Avalanche (come on, you knew it), Drafted originally by the Boston Bruins, traded to the Avs for the Bag O Pucks, end of career comes in the CHL playing for the Colorado Eagles, where I stay one year too long, and everyone takes pity on an old man.

Number: 5

Nickname: TL, Tapesy, Asshat, Shower Curtain, Tape “Killer” Leg

Position: Defensive Defenseman

Linemates: John-Micheal Liles, or Sherry

Rounding out the PP: I only kill the penalties, beating them to death with a large stuffed animal won in a Whack-A-Mole game against Ian Laperriere , then cutting their hearts out with a spoon (it’s dull, you twit, it’ll hurt more), and J-S Giguere (who is traded to the Avs for Theodore and a Bag O Pucks).

Job: Stopping the 2-on-1 against, clearing pucks, working the corners, hip checking.

Signature Move: On the 2-on-1, being unpredictable to the offense.

Strengths: Good backwards skating, working alone when necessary, wrist shot, backhand pass, laughing at opposition.

Weaknesses: Wrists, no slapshot (see:wrists), can’t fight (see: wrists).

Injury Problems: See: wrists

Equipment: Last player in the NHL to use a wooden stick. When asked about it in the media, has stated, “Hey, the damn thing never breaks. See?” At which point, the stick was brought down hard on the bench at my locker, and shattered into a thousand pieces. Much laughter followed. I buy another one for $20.

Nemesis: Joel Quenneville, Donald Brashear

Scandal Involvement: Was accused of turtling in fights, seeing as how I would never win one. Not one. Turns out I’m just really bad at it, and in an attempt to save my bacon, I would “lose my balance”, fall to the ice, taking the other player with me, and essentially end the fight. My good name would be restored when Derek Boogaard confirms that I hit like a little girl in a church outfit on Sunday.

Who I’d face in the Stanley Cup Finals: New Jersey Devils. After a hard fought battle, the Avs win 3-0. After the game, in the handshake line, J-S Giguere looks Brodeur in the eyes and says, “Now you know how it feels, fucker.” I shake hands with John Madden and tell him he has the head of a Tonka truck. Madden cries as he leaves the ice.

What I’d do with the Stanley Cup after our victory: Take it home and recreate the De Niro in Taxi Driver: “You talkin’ to me?” Cup becomes my best friend.


  1. “Now you know how it feels, fucker.”

    Very, VERY nice.

  2. I would be the best linemate ever!

  3. True, Sherry would block shots for you and she wouldn’t even want to do it :P.

    What’d Donald Brashear do to you? Hurt your wrists?

  4. Be sure to add “Jimbo the Ek-Wraith” to your nemesis list.

  5. ES – Hells yeah. I could show you some pictures from that game that are just so damn sad.

    Sherry – You better be, but you would have to do all the fighting.

    Jordi – for the wrists, see this post (item 2). As for Brashear, I’m sure he would kick my ass a few times.

    Cason – Yeah, that jackhole had me laughing. But to be my nemesis, he would have to be influential, or have some sort of negative impact. Mostly, he just cracked me up.

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