Now that the one who should not give interviews has completed his program to diminish his usefulness “anger management” program, the question on the minds of hockey fans is not if his play will have changed, but where he will wind up. There are several possibilities to complete his return to hockey. Without the flashy graphics, here is my Cheap Seats Breakdown, where he could, should, and may go, cap space be damned:

Iowa Chops:

What did the people of Iowa do to anyone? Why do they deserve this? This is akin to the movie “Pleasatville” with the bad boy bringing color to the sleepy town. I wonder if Avery would report to the team. You can suspend the guy, bench him, put him in a behavior modification program, but Iowa? Let’s not go overboard here.

Dallas Stars:

Hey, you bought him, you broke him. Even though this “isn’t gonna happen,” you never know. Poppa Hull got them to go against their better judgement once before, and might again. I don’t think so, but he is signed, so you never know. As Sean Connery knows well, never say never again.

New York Rangers:

Why would they? Sean would be happy here, but his happiness isn’t the question. He may be willing to put out a little more for the Rangers than with any other team, but would his team mates embrace him? And is there a good reason to step back in time for a question mark?

New York Islanders:

Now we may be getting somewhere. The Islanders couldn’t do any worse this season. Want to get butts in the seats at Nassau? Hire the guy who the Rangers were smart enough to pass up in free agency “spurned”, and turn him loose on a hated rival. Guaranteed sellout. Plus, they are first in line for the waiver pickup.

Phoenix Coyotes:

Why would the Coyotes pay a guy this much money to be on a team that has a legit shot at the playoffs? Because that tree is falling in the forest, and no one is there to hear it. There is as much advertising for the Phoenix RoadRunners (ECHL) as the Coyotes. No one wants to go to Glendale (45 minutes from Tempe on a good day) to see a game, much less one that the Coyotes themselves may not show up for. There are bars and restaurants all around the arena, and no real public transportation around (DUI anyone?), and the arena is hidden behind the football stadium. The most marketable player is Shane Doan, and he ranks way behind the COACH!!! The next guy down the list looks cross-eyed in all his photos. They have a puppet snowman for a commercial spokesman. This team needs Avery. They should run, not walk to the phone. Wayne Gretzky could keep Avery on ice as needed. Are you really going to tell the great one no? And this would be marketing gold. A guy with his own publicist on the team? Let the profits roll in.

KHL:

Is Russia ready for an Avery invasion? I think if there was a country that could contain him, this is the one. Can you imagine him in Sweden or Finland? The destruction that would be wrought. And maybe this is the best option for him. A little less notoriety could do the guy some good. A place that isn’t going to buy into his crap, and a system that is less prone to fall for his agitating.

Lower minors:

Yeah, I don’t think so.

LA Kings:

Return of the turtle? The Kings are a team on the upswing. They don’t need to go back to the future.

All of this will be obsolete in a few days, but for the meantime, it;s fun to speculate. Sean Avery is not an awful hockey player when he is forced to play and put his schtick on the shelf. Yes, he is NHL caliber, whatever that means these days. Sure, he makes a mockery of the sport, but if his personality can be reigned in a little, he could still play in the NHL. The question is, do the fans want him to?

UPDATE:

Toronto Maple Leafs:

Mike mentioned in the comments the Leafs, and I had thought about this.  If Brian Burke wants toughness, he could do better, but he could do worse.  But I can’t imagine the conflict of personalities this would be.  Not just for Burke, but you are going to get Burke, Wilson, Brad May, and Jason Blake in the same room, and leave them unsupervised?  Does this sound like any kind of good idea?  I doubt this would happen, but I am not any sort if insider, and better people than me have tried to fix the Leafs.  And a few who were worse.  But if Sean Avery were the ingredient that the Leafs need to fix what’s wrong with the team, baby, I don’t want to be right.

UPDATE 2:

Colorado Avalanche:

No.

The problem with figuring out where Avery fits is that there are very few fan bases that do not have strong feelings about him.  And there are few dressing rooms that are ambivalent about him either.  Do you think he is going to have a professional relationship with Ian Laperriere, after what he said about French Canadians?  Or who is going to want the stall next to him when Avery turtled on a fight?  Who is going to accept the guy?

Mind you, memories are short.  The saying that time heals all wounds was never more appropriate than with Todd Bertuzzi.  The man has moved around the league since his suspension, but is still in the league.  Maybe the best thing for Avery is to spend the rest of the season in the AHL, making new enemies and learning some appreciation for the situation he has enjoyed for a long time.