Mock Coyotes Auction: Final Verdict

First off, let me state that this was not an easy decision to come to. Not everyone is going to be satisfied with the decision. While a bankruptcy court may only have the creditors to consider, a MOCK court is not beholden to such things. Therefor, there were many factors to take into consideration:

  • Creditors
  • Ownership
  • The League
  • The Fans (yes, both of them)
  • The Sport

Let us consider some of these bids:

@scottywazz had perhaps one of the most intriguing bids (a buck-three-eighty, some poutine, and the rights to the RTB bio-pic, Added Sega Saturn gaming system, three games (all Sonic the Hedgehog), and some Beaver Buzz energy drink), but his desire to move the team to Barrow, Alaska doesn’t show a sustainable line of income to satisfy the creditors. Barrow, in case you did not know, was the scene of the movie “30 Days of Night,” in which vampires took over the entire town, and killed most of the population. This does not show a continual availability of fans to support a team, as they would all be killed and eaten every year.

@dchesnokov had a bid of one Russian Ruble, and while enticing, had some questions surrounding the location of the team (moved to the KHL?).

@bzarcher had a bid of one timex digital watch, one unused prophylactic, one black suit jacket, one hat, $23.07, and one pair sunglasses. While he may have acquired the items by mugging a Blues Brother, his statement of “I’m thinking of just running the team into the ground as-is and claiming it against my taxes. Stay the course!” while spoken like a true Columbus Blue Jackets fan, was a bit of a slip. It would be irresponsible if the court to turn over ownership to him.

The battle between @shellieshel and @voteforgrant was admirable in it’s ferociousness, but lacked solid structure. The ownership of a 1990 Ford Probe that was submitted by @voteforgrant was in dispute from the beginning. @shellieshel wished for the team to be relocated to her basement, and while flaunting and disputing the ownership rules of the NHL is certainly acceptable, the rules as to rink size is not up for debate. There is no way a 200′ X 85′ rink would fit in her basement. It would be impossible to fit the entire team into that location, and the lawsuits that could arise from the dressing room behavior alone would bring the league to it’s knees.

@Yotesgurl offered her first born child and her right arm to keep the team in Arizona. Um, awkward.

@tKWE (the Kyle Wellwood Experience) made a compelling argument, but had to lower his offer to a box of timbits (cruller and chocolate), large double-double and a sausage biscuit. This doesn’t speak well of his resources to float a team in it’s bad times, and could herald in a new era of depression and starvation to the Portland, OR area, where he wishes to move the team.

@BluelandOutsidr must have thought this was The Price is Right, because he placed a bid of one dollar. One. Once he realized the folly of his ways, he added to his bid a vintage Admiral Ackbar action figure & a singing dancing James Brown doll. Also, this was the most reasonable relocation bid yet (“we feel Atlanta is a market that deserves an NHL team”). It was difficult to turn away such an offer, but the unwillingness to deal with a relocation fee was less than dazzling. I would call this the runner-up bid.

@Lighthousehockey offered up “One Rick DiPietro Contract.” Enticing, but something that has a depreciating value over time (and by time, I mean the next season). Also, he was going to keep the team in his back pocket in case anything happened to the Islanders. This court believes that John Tavares should be enough for an Islanders fan right now.

The winning bid, while not setting the world on fire, was the RCOM, a dual ownership of @ryanclassic and @OdinMercer. Their initial offer of One (1) turkey sandwich and a pudding cup (brand unspecified) was underwhelming, but with the addition of Rob Schremp and “a dozen from DD since there are no TIms here. As well as a In-n-Out Double Double,” this started to make sense. Also, this offer was one of the few that was designed to keep the team in Phoenix, and also has secured corporate sponsorship (ACME, who will be providing the new arena name and sandwiches), which seems to be one more sponsor than the Coyotes currently have.

While this may seem like this is a complete victory for the RCOM team, it is not. The court orders RCOM to submit paperwork to the court showing that they have made a profit within two years time, or the team will be auctioned off again. They should not be protected from the same process that they participated in to acquire the team. If they are not able to sustain the team on their own, the team should be set back into the auction process.

Also, since this is a mock court, and not beholden to the rules of bankruptcy court, I order the NHL to expand their league next year, into two new markets, one in Hamilton, and one in a western conference market to be determined. In one years time, there will be a mock expansion draft held in this very courtroom (twitter). Ownership of the two franchises will be determined at a later date.

While this decision will not satisfy all the parties involved, the ruling had to go in favor of the best possible outcome for the creditors, hockey and the fans of the great sport. It must be a great sport, to survive the people who sue each other over it.

Thank you all for your time. You all battled well.

Final bids can be found here

You can see the process carried out on twitter here.

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Comments

  1. You are responsible for the sole good thing to come out of this whole mess. Absolutely brilliant — I salute you, sir.

  2. Point of order: My intention to use the team as a tax shelter as it failed was a total Slap Shot reference. :) If I’m to be damned, it’ll be for sticking to awesome 70s movie references. ;)

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