If you aren’t familiar with R,. Kelly’s hip hopera Trapped in a Closet, I am not all that surprised. It was only brought to my attention this past year. Most people I ask refer to the South Park episode where R. Kelly tries to get Tom Cruise to literally come out of the closet. No, that was referencing R. Kelly’s series, which was picked up by IFC and continues. Each episode is short, and increasingly ridiculous. It takes a real turn around episode eight, but you have to start somewhere.
This is part one of Trapped (there might be some NSFW language):
And so it begins. But if you watch just one episode, I recommend episode 9. It’s so over the top it’s genius, and so bad it’s good:
You can thank me later. No, really.
So with this in mind, I present Trapped in a Lockout. The end of the lockout R. Kelly style. Because some things just belong together.
Trapped in a Lockout Part 1
(sung by Gary Bettman)
5 AM and I’m sitting across from a man that I knooOOooww…
He looks at me with a look that says he knows me toooo…
He has a pen in his hand and he looks like he’s going to sign.
He looks at the paper once more, checking the figures a final time.
He looks at me and looks back and looks at me another time. (Oooh)
This whole damn thing has taken way too much tiiIIiimmee (Oooh)
Now he looks at the first page
Now he looks at the next page
Turns over the next page
What’s he see on the page
He puts down his pen and puts on his reading glasses
I say “Don, can we get this done, we’re tired off our asses.”
He looks down his nose and says it’s just this one thing.
I say, what thing, he says Don’t worry, it’s not a real thing.
One! I reach in my pocket.
Two! I pull out by blood pressure meds.
Three! I take off the cap.
Four! I take out a pill.
Now my mouth is dry and and I’m looking around
And there’s no water to be foooOOouund.
I’m going to have to dry swallow this pill
Now I know how the fans feel.
I look at the water cooler and look back
And Donald put down his pen
I think, “He didn’t sign it,
Oh no, here we go again.”
I look for the smirk on his face, the one that says, “I got you”
He’s had it on his face ever since November two.
But I look at the paper.
Looking down at the paper.
Bring my eyes to the paper.
Looking close at the paper.
There’s ink on the paper.
He put his name on the paper.
There’s his name on the paper.
He signed his name on the paper.
Then he hands me the paper.
And I pick up the paper.
And this lockout….
Is going… to… end….
Trapped in a Lockout Part 2
Now there’s a contract with the players
Sitting in front of meeee… *
What am I do?
I’m feeling kind of loopy.
This lockout could end any moment and I’m ready to go home.
My wife and kids keep wondering when I’m going to be done.
Then Don looks at me and says
“Oh wait there’s one more things.”
My heart sinks wondering
What’s this s#$@ he’s going to briiIInngg…
Don says did I put the date next to my name?
I think to myself, this guy is playing some f@%$#ing game.
I look at the paper and see the date is there.
I tell him it’s on the sheet and he say, are you sure.
I say “Yes,” he say “No,” I say “Yes!,” he says “No!”
I scream “Look right here,” He calmly sits back and he says “Oh.”
I want this done, I hate this man,
I’d sign just about anything.
Now I’m picking the pen up
Pick the pen in my hand up
Now I’m signing the paper
Put my name on the paper
My first name on the paper
My last name on the paper
Put the date on the paper
What’s the date on the paper
I just signed the paper.
Did I just sign the paper?
Bill Daly sneaks up behind me and says,
“What do you want me to do?”
I say, “Bill, it’s time,
Get the Podium out.”
Bill’s jaw goes slack and he doesn’t know what to doOOooo….
Last time we got the Podium, it was a circus, and he knows it tooOOO…..
I say “Move.”
He says “No.”
I say “Move!”
He says “No!”
He looks at the tech guys
He walks to the tech guys
Get close to the tech guys
Now he talks to the tech guys
NOW PAUSE THE MOVIE because what I’m about to say to y’all is so damn random
Into the room bursts our old friend, Brendan Shanahan!
Trapped in a Lockout Part 3
Brendan looks around the room and says, How’s it going, friends? **
Bill say’s “Hey, what’s up, what can I do for you, Bren?”
Brendan say he’s been watching a lot of ESPN.
Did you know there’s thing called football, what will they think of next.
Everyone looks at Shanny wondering what he’s going to say.
He looks like he hasn’t shaved in one hundred and thirteen days.
Then Brendan pulls out his Beretta and he he’s waiving it around!
He screams “This lockout better end, and it better end RIGHT DAMN NOW!”
Now Daly is on the floor, covering up his head,
But Donald just sits in his chair, and says, “Listen to what that fool said.”
Now the room is silent, you can barely hear a tech guy cry,
But Don holds the CBA up to Shanny, and says, “Looks, the ink isn’t even dry.”
Brendan can’t believe it, did he just hear what he heard,
He looks at the contract, but he can’t read a word.
Tears stream down his face, and he say, Gary, what am I going to do?
And I look at Brendan and say, “Get to work, pal, I still have a job for you.”
Now I’m ending the lockout
I just ended the lockout
Why did we have a lockout
Never needed a lockout
This is my third lockout
I just love the lockout
No games for the lockout
Relax for the lockout
Gave the fans a lockout
It’s entirely my fault
Ten years from now, when it’s someone else’s problem
I won’t have to worry about this, let the new guy solve it
I’ll be on a beach, away from the ice, where I belong,
Basketball on a TV as I like it, wearing my bikini thong (sorry)
And I won’t worry about Donald Fehr or his brother Steve
Hockey will be a distant memory, one I’ll be happy to leave.
I like hoops the best, that I can’t deny
I never cared for hockey and that’s no lie.
I look at the Podium
Walk up to the Podium
Get close to the Podium
Put my hands on the podium.
And all I can think about is my wife and kids and my dog Rover
And tell the press, The lockout..
(Over… over…. over…)
*- continuity error, he has the CBA in his hand at the end of the last part, here it starts on the table – INSANE!
**Bonus points if you hear Brendan Shanahan’s voice in the style and drawl of the Cop’s wife in Episodes 8-10.