Hockey is a fantastic sport. For me, it is simply the best sport out there, and nothing else compares. But if I were to be forced to name another sport I like, I would have to pick lacrosse. As far as the blatant and obvious similarity are concerned, box (indoor) lacrosse is not a major jump from hockey, while outdoor lacrosse has a few more rules and player structures involved. But the most obvious similarity is:
You have to take a thing and put it into another thing to earn points.
Simple, easy. Pretty much black and white. If you get some friends together and play, that is all that matters, that the things go into the other thing, as many times as possible (of course, not getting hurt by said things is pretty up there). You put the thing in, you are a god, and if you do not, you are a failure. One of these things in another thing equals one point. That is the universe making sense.
“But, Tapeleg, aren’t you an American? How can you possibly understand such things? You people do strange things for strange point values in your sports. I like cake.”
Yes, I am, but the value of those sports are lost on me. There is no thing in other thing. Like so.
Football
While I understand that the two major ways of scoring have different difficulties, and therefore two different point values, you are not putting things in other things, unless you consider a player with a ball being put in the end-zone. Even then, it’s more like he is on a certain area, rather than in something. We need in-ness people. In is in. Also, I have never seen a game so steeped in rules about body contact where the whole point was body contact. Clutching and grabbing are ruining the sport of football (oh, wait)
Bonus reason: What the hell is play action? Everything is play action. It’s a game. They are just making this stuff up.
Basketball
Let’s get one thing straight. There is no thing going into another thing. It is going through another thing. In one end, and out the other. That distinction alone should be enough. On top of that, when someone does anything worthy of points in basketball, they, at minimum, double up. Two for the price of one, and if you do the same damn thing from a slightly greater distance, you get to triple your value. What insanity. Congrats, you just did something obscure, which will happen over and over again, from one foot farther away. You get more points, and don’t you feel just great about it. Imagine getting two goals because you put the puck in the net from past the blueline. Chaos would rule the planet. Also, any defensive system based on the principle of I’m-not-touching-you is just silly and should be manned up.
Bonus reason: Hockey sounds cool. Basketball squeaks. It sounds like mice being beaten. Awful stuff.
Baseball
Item One: Bat. Good start
Item Two: Ball. Nice, now we’re talking.
Item Three: Nothing. What?
In baseball, you have all the implements of putting things into other things with skill and difficulty. But what baseball manages to do is take away the interest of having other things. Instead, a giant game of keep away is played, and tomorrow, they will do it again. In fact, why isn’t there an arena baseball league. They could play the damn thing year round. The most excitement in the game is when a player tries to put a thing in another thing, mostly a pitcher trying to put a ball into a batters head.
Bonus reason: For those who do not understand the rules of hockey, please see the infield fly rule. Or the Balk. Whatever the hell they are, I have no time for rules like that.
Soccer
Look at the title of the post. Things. Thing-S. As in plural. If only one thing goes in during an hour and a half of play, I feel completely hosed. It may not be the most educated and enlightened way of looking at it, but there is a certain bang for buck I should have. One thing per hour an minimum sounds about right. Also, at the end of the game, when time runs out, they sometimes keep playing. What the hell is going on here? The game is over, you can go home now. This is sports, there are no encores.
Bonus reason: Soccer offsides makes me insane. Just stop it.
Golf:
Don’t even start with me. A thing goes into another thing, yes. But not for points, and not for anything you want. You want less. Less is more, less is better. Hey, you want less, then stop playing. Pick up the ball, if you are man enough to call that little thing a ball, and go the hell home. Shouldn’t you be conditioning for next season?
Bonus reason: If you do not make the playoffs, this is what you play. Nuff said.
Lightning round:
Wrestling: Nope
NASCAR: No
Poker: Not even a sport
Pool: Barely, but still, not a sport
Rodeo: Huh?
Strawberries: Are you even paying attention?
Cycling: Things? Other things? No.
Field Hockey: Does that even exist? If so, maybe.
Spelling Bee: No, but more manly than basketball.
So, there you have it. I think we all agree, hockey is the rockingest sport ever. Things, other things, and as an added bonus, it goes well with beer. HOCKEY!!!
16 responses to “Putting Things in Other Things for Points”
Well I am not going to disagree that Hockey is the preferred viewing sport, I will take a moment to defend my beloved soccer to your point… A soccer game is 90 minutes (± a few), and it takes 2 hours with half time and everything. The average soccer score is 2-1 (1.5 goals per hour on average). Well above your 1 per hour minimum.
And for soccer offsides… Think of the last defender as a moving blue line. And instead of “When the puck crosses the blue line” it’s when “the ball is kicked”
Colin – Moving blue line? I can not drink enough beer to make that a positive thing in any way. And if half a point per hour is well above, I have lost my mind completely.
I know people the world over adore soccer, and and will not only defend it to death, and point out why America and American sports fans are deficient for not liking it (which you are not doing, I realize), but it has no resonance with me. Sorry, you are welcome to it.
Oh, and it looks good on TV. Hockey does not play so well there. Point to hockey. HA!
No I think us Americans are deficient for not liking hockey more. I just wanted to defend Soccer a little.
See at least soccer is honest. The most common football score is 20-17, which is really 2-2 (2 TD’s to 2 TD’s). Since football games are 3 & 1/2 hours long this is an average of 1.14 scores per hour (below soccer), but Football hides it’s scoring deficiency with field goals and more points per score… which would be like giving 1/2 a goal to a hockey team because a team shot the puck withing 2 inches of the post.
Just saying soccer’s not so bad. But obviously hockey’s the best 🙂
I feel your pain, in a way. Soccer gets pooped on over and over, probably more so than hockey. At least the World Cup had decent TV coverage. Te SCF split from OLN to NBC last year was the dumbest scheduling idea ever. You don’t start broadcasting the superbowl halfway through a game.
In hockey, if you have a guy say get stitches across his face from a high stick or from a puck traveling at a high rate of speed, that guy comes back on the ice to help his team.
In football, you don’t play because of turf toe (caused by not tying cleats on the foot tightly enough or wearing socks incorrectly) or a hang nail.
In hockey, body checks forcefully happen. Player falls, gets back up to return the favor. In basketball, picks forcefully happen, guy falls down writhing in pain that could only look like something serious, when it’s not.
In hockey, fitness is important and vital to a healthy athlete.
In baseball, fitness is optional.
polo?
bowling?
competitive eating?
foosball!
Hockey is the best because it’s the only sport that bases the severity of a foul on whether or not blood is drawn.
E – Polo: if the horses themselves put things in other things for points, I would greeenlight that one. I do not think the horses care about points, and horses make for the worst checkers.
Bowling – No. The game is not based on things going into other things, it’s really about things hitting things. If you throw a gutter ball, you have earned no points for putting a thing in another thing.
Competitive Eating – Gross. Still, the closest yet. But I have a hard time accepting anything that is used as filler. To get even more gross (stop reading here if you are easily grossed out), it isn’t exactly putting a thing in another thing, as it is putting a thing through another thing.
MegMegMeg – Seriously? See what Mitch Hedberg had to say about Foosball.
“I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.”
Or
“Foosball fucked up my perception of soccer. I thought you had to kick the ball and then spin ’round and round. I can’t do a back flip, much less several … simultaneously with two other guys… that look exactly like me…”
That doesn’t sound like a sport to me.Plus, to do well, you need to be drunk (or at least, that is my excuse), so as for being a sport, we may as well say that quarters is a sport. Competitive drinking!! Fun!!!
Colin – If only race car driving did this. What fun!
Completely off-topic:
I was reading your Battle of Colorado page, and went to the RM Rage’s webstie and guess what. they will have a 6th Jersey this year… That’s right a green St. Patricks Day Jersey being worn saterday.
Colin – No. Freaking no. That is just the stupidest thing ever. Ever. Why didn’t they just ad a President’s Day jersey while they are at it? They… I…. (sigh)
Hey at least the St. PAtty’s day one doesn’t look like it was designed by my grandmother.. the design is actually decent (ESPECIALLY compared to the other 2 special jersey’s)
fine, water polo.
E – Water Polo? Do you think I am going to put water polo in there? Hmm….
I would have gone with underwater hockey, which does exist. But based on the fact that nothing sporting happens underwater, unless someone or something gets eaten, I have to do some research on that one.
Colin – BTW: Soccer as more diving than a Sean Avery pool party. No one believes these guys when they get hurt. That is why they don’t stop the clock for them.